I have my daughter

If I am not blessed to have another baby, I think I will have to take up some extreme sport to substitute for the adrenaline rush of giving birth. Not that I think giving birth is fun, exactly, and I have been accused of forgoing the birth experience altogether by getting an epidural (as if that were tantamount to being unconscious), but of all the life experiences I anticipated would be surreal, giving birth is the only one that really was. And it was surreal all four times.



Claire was a later arriver (over a week overdue) than Porter and Will, but she maintained the tradition of coming the day before a scheduled induction. As much as I had tried to be photo ready at any moment to head off to the hospital, I managed to go into labor on my day 2 of unwashed hair at 2 in the morning. I had been having contractions all evening, but that was par for the last several days. Still, the contractions combined with my television addiction to prevent me from going to sleep that evening, opting instead to finish out the final season of Justified. Lying in bed watching tv on my laptop, I felt a sudden sharp snap that actually worried me--it was so hard that I thought the baby could have hurt herself in there. Then I felt another one, harder, and suddenly I was gushing water. When my water broke with Porter, it was like a little pinprick to a water balloon. Enough to wake me up (at 6 or 7 am), enough to substantiate with certainty that I was in labor, but nothing drastic or alarming. This time, however, our bedroom looked like a crime scene. I had to bind myself with towels, and even that couldn't do much. I was nervous that my labor would go super fast with this kind of gush and on baby #4, so it seemed like it took my poor mom forever to come to the house (it was probably 10 minutes).



Brigham predicted that Claire would be born at around 6 that morning, an hour before my dr went off-duty and a male dr would take over. He was correct--she was born at about 6:15. I was completely unable to sleep after arriving at the hospital. I was excited and the epidural was not very potent, so sleep was not possible.



When they weighed her and announced that she was 8 pounds, 2 ounces, I didn't believe it for a second. Brigham and I both laughed and denied it could be true. The nurse agreed that there must be a mistake and weighed her again. Nope, this baby girl was a full pound heavier than her next biggest brother. She had lots of dark hair, long fingers and toes, tan skin (I wondered if she could be jaundiced she was so brown) and dark blue eyes. Her face looked like Porter, and later I felt she resembled Will, too.

Of course, after she was born I could not sleep for all the excitement of meeting my baby. I basically couldn't calm down enough to sleep for two days. I still have trouble sleeping at night because I love looking at her and also because I nap during the day and it throws my insomniac-prone sleep schedule off.

Brigham has stayed home these last two weeks, a luxury I had never before experienced. It has been wonderful. Claire has been my easiest baby so far. I know a lot of that is just that I am more experienced plus my husband is around to help with the other kids, but part of it also is Claire's temperment and fatness. She nurses well and is growing beautifully--she exceeded her birth weight within 4 days of her birth. She is so round and chunky, and I haven't driven myself frantic with weighing her before and after each nursing session, as I did with Porter. I feel like a regular mom whose baby magically just grows and sleeps.



My whole life I was sure I would have daughters. I chose Claire's name before I had even met Brigham. I don't even have a runner up name to consider. I tried to add some flair by giving her two middle names: Claire Elizabeth Grace Cannon, but Brigham nixed that. Two middle names is apparently "weird," and if people give me support on doing it, they are only being polite. I love the religious concept of grace, and I wanted to provide a reminder to her to strive to recognize and exemplify His grace. But I guess I will have to go to more effort than just sticking it in her name.



I sit in bed with her lying next to me and gaze at her and wonder what she will be like. It has been different than with the boys. I was fully in love with each one of them, too, of course, but I don't think I looked at them and wondered what kind of men and fathers they would be. I look at Claire and feel this huge sense of responsibility: I am raising somebody's mom. What a blessing.

the little things

I have been meaning to write about Porter since he turned two, almost exactly a year ago. Then I was going to do it at 2 1/2, because I wasn't going to let perfect be the enemy of good enough. Now he is almost three and I have so much to say about him, but I just wanted to record one little thing that sums up so much of his little self.

Porter has been attending a tiny preschool class at a local public elementary school. He was invited to participate as a "peer model" in a class designed for children with various special needs. Porter loves it and has gotten so much out of it. He talks about his classmates as his best friends. He loves and is very loyal to his teachers, too. When Will remarked that Miss Misbah had a funny name, Porter didn't miss a beat to defend mildly: "No, Misbah a nice name." One of the children is in a wheelchair and is nonverbal, and Porter loves her and talks about her all the time. When I was dropping him off last week I watched him suddenly jump of from the activity table, run and grab a napkin and then gently dab up some drool on his little friend's face. It might have been the sweetest thing I have ever seen.

Porter is wild and happy and you can't take your eyes off him for a minute because he will run away. He chatters constantly and sings little songs and can operate an iphone with adult ease and basically never feels pain somehow and does not tolerate being called little or a baby, even when you mean it in an affectionate way. In many ways living with him is like living with a chimpanzee, right down to the poop flinging (if I had written when he turned 2 I would have bragged about how he had already potty trained himself, but now I have to admit that we have gone backwards recently). When he does something wrong he tries to weasel out of trouble by claiming his action was "an accident!" He loves Greek yogurt with honey and almonds and blueberries. He can make his own sandwiches, ride a scooter with terrifying confidence and speed, has ruined many of my clothes giving me kisses on my belly with a nutella-ed mouth. He has taken offense to sleeping in a crib and has been awakening in the night to disturb our sleep and make demands, but mostly to cuddle. He loves to give fives to everyone, and is saddened when complete strangers fail to reciprocate his high five advances or notice his waves. If he hears a story of misfortune, he is always ready with commentary on what he would do in that situation, and it invariably involves preparing himself with a helmet, shield, parachute and some sort of weapon. He is affectionate and joyful and just a bright shiny light in our home. And most of all, he loves everyone.

I know he will move on from many of these little quirks and traits, which is why I record them so he can always know and I can always remember. But I hope, and I sense, that the story of his love for his little classmate will always sound just like him.

Snowy days

Today Porter and Will's preschools were closed for the second day. Andrew was grumpy about being the only one with a full day ahead. We had a nice time taking advantage of the last bits of snow in the yard by sledding in the sunshine after dropping Andrew. Now the boys are doing dishes.




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2013 is going to be our best year yet

I am terrible about organizing our photos. I take many shots and videos, but I am bad about uploading them to our costco website and even worse about printing and storing them. I think I have 3 photos of Will printed. None of Porter. I was inspired by this presentation at TED and have been taking daily video footage of the kids, just for a minute or so or less. You would be surprised at how rich and informative a second a day of video for a year is. I feel like 2012 was the best year yet, and 2013 will only be better. It will be awesome to have the year encapsulated into a few minutes of footage. Also it will be proof to the kids later that we really do fun stuff all the time, though I fully intend to include footage of them just walking down the hall into their classrooms or watching our movie per our Friday Night Movie Night tradition, or people throwing tantrums, because that is all our life and I want to remember every bit.

Today and tomorrow Andrew is the only kid not to have school. We spent our alone time together mostly at Porter's school this morning, but tomorrow I want to do something more special just for Andrew. These two mornings are the only days alone we have had since Will was born, really, unless you count when Will napped, which would make it 3 years ago. Andrew has had a tough couple of months--the feeding program routine was hardest on him, surprisingly, but it has been amazing and wonderful to watch him bloom back into his happy, agreeable, hilarious little self under the steady glow of lots of positive attention and praise (thank you, applied behavioral analysis theory). I know I don't know zillions of 7 year old boys, but I think Andrew has an unusually hilarious and sophisticated sense of humor and that it is going to be a lot of fun living with him as he grows up.

Porter, at school today, loaded up his baby doll into the baby seat of the grocery cart, donned his safety goggles, and set about shopping in his classroom. He would periodically pick up his doll to kiss her or pat her back. He told us her name was Claire. I allowed myself some moments of pride that Porter was demonstrating a sweetness and affection he learned from me, from how I treat him. At a later point that day he also smeared bubble potion on his face, informed me that he was putting on makeup, and asked me whether he looked pretty. So I model that, too. It has only been a few weeks of Brigham spending more time at home, but perhaps later his influence will be observable soon, too.

I feel like I have approached each new year the last few years with a sense of sadness that the year closing had been difficult and stressful, and that I wished (not hoped) the year to come would bring improvement. This year is so different. Will is still not easy to feed, but he is feed-able. Andrew's difficult behaviors have disappeared, and when things flare up in any of the kids I feel confident that it perfectly handleable, not some dire red flag. Brigham has done as well professionally as he possibly could, and he has now kept his commitment to be home by 7pm most nights (see also Andrew's improved behavior). I have some personal and family goals that I am excited about, and which we are taking a day at a time to slowly check off the to-do list. I finally feel like I am turning into the mom and person I want to be. (Sorry older kids!)

healthy eating 2013

Our time at Kennedy Kreiger did a lot for us aside from getting Will on track for tube weaning. One of those things was to change the way I think about food from primarily thinking about it as a way to get full and feel satisfied to the way most people probably think about it: fueling our bodies to function best. My new mindset makes it easier to eat better, since I now believe that the food we eat affects our health (aside from weight issues).

Here is one recipe for Salmon Fajitas that I loved that was simple to make and everyone liked. I just buy salmon and chicken frozen in bulk from Costco and defrost piece by piece in water when I want to use them. I used to not buy much fresh fruit since it often went bad before anyone ate it, but now that I am including fruit at every meal, after explaining why it is important and that everyone must try one bite of everything on their plates, it is getting eaten. I used plain greek yogurt instead of sour cream as a topper and it was so so delicious. I actually preferred the taste; I would choose it over sour cream even if it were not way more nutritious.

We have also been eating orange pancakes, which I make with white whole wheat flour and plain greek yogurt instead of heavy cream. I experimented with making orange syrup instead of using maple and I liked that, too (just reduce orange juice with sugar in a pot until it turns to syrup).

I started making chicken quesadillas by sauteing costco mickey mouse nuggets, slicing them and stuffing them in the tortilla with the melted cheese and sprinkling in some taco seasoning. Not brain surgery, but I had always contemplated much more complicated recipes and was happy to see that the kids loved it.

I have been trying to find easy, simple, nutritious recipes that are kid-friendly through internet searches but I would love to hear some tried and true.

Boxing day

Wherein no boxing or cleaning took place at all. We spent the day sledding on slush, playing with new toys / games and generally enjoying be together with no place to have to go. We went to bull run to see the light show and hit the cracker barrel on the way home. There was something there for each of the boys to enjoy as we waited for our food.


Porter




Will



And Andrew.

Sometimes I am struck with alarm at hold old Andrew seems to be and how quickly he has moved on from being a very little boy, but tonight as he exclaimed over the lights display and played with toys in the general store and listened intently to The Secret Garden recording that he really is quite young and sweet and innocent. Will just impresses me with his recall of the lyrics to any Christmas song (he knew the 12 Days of Christmas for goodness sakes), and Porter with how affectionate and loving he is, and the degree to which he still insists on being naked at home.

It was a late night tonight but we loved it.


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I want to believe

"So some guy is going to dress up and pretend to be someone who doesn't even exist?"
--Andrew, upon hearing that Santa was coming to the ward Christmas party.

Will tried to clarify that "that guy isn't really Santa, but Santa is real!"


He doesn't look like he's too big for Santa!



Porter just protested against all who failed to include "Claus" when they said Santa. He had fun decorating cupcakes and I think the individual baggies of frosting were genius.

I never believed in Santa but I pretended to. I hope Andrew can be careful not to shatter will's Christmas magic too soon.

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50 percent; 85 percent; 100 percent

We are 50 percent ready for Christmas. Not shown in these shots are the many many boxes all over the floor. We could


only hang as many ornaments as hangers available. Hardly any.

I am most proud of my entry way.
Do you like the rug? Not exactly as I thought (online purchase). But I never mail things back.









We had FHE and played UNO tonight. We are around 50 percent on FHE diligence, but my goal is to improve that.

Finally, I am halfway through this pregnancy.


This little boy is 85 percent better and currently 100 percent off tube feeds. He also gained two pounds and grew half and inch over the last 8 weeks.


And this baby is 100 percent GIRL! All doubt removed at today's ultrasound.



Notice how flexible she is. And she has Will's upturned nose. So cute! Those are her little legs curled over her and crossed in such a lady like way.


I'm enroll ing her in gymnastics as soon as she's recovered from her birth.

We are 100 percent ready for a little girl in this family!

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Halloween 2012

The boys bought their Halloween costumes during a Costco trip in August on the eve of our departure for the beach. I have finally learned that I really do need to do things months and months in advance because I always run out of time in the end. I also was a pushover for buying these costumes because I was so happy that they still are young enough to want to be superheroes. I don't push costume themes with the boys, but I liked that they all wanted to be the same sort of thing.

About to head out!

"The Mom Stays in the Picture"

Porter had incredible stamina that night. He and I did return home a bit earlier than the boys but he held strong for a good hour. This was the first year Andrew and Will stayed out that long, too. It was really fun.

Pit stop of the Murrays' for drinks. We nearly didn't make it out of there.

The spoils.

Porter was really digging the candy.

At the ward Halloween party, during which Will discovered the joy of winning treats in the cake walk. We accumulated an enormous quantity of baked goods; he was so proud. He barely partook of any, though.

Will Turns 5 (!!)

For breakfast we had spooky Krispy Kreme Donuts. Will didn't finish his spider web creme filled, but he did like what he ate.

We bought him training wheels and put them on Andrew's old bike. We had failed to do this some time ago because we would not let go of the hope that he would learn on a balance bike first and never need trainers. But he is his own guy and he loved his first bike ride, taken the following Saturday at the Dolley Madison Library park and trails.

Will wanted to decorate cupcakes for his birthday instead of traditional cake and I think I am not going back. All the cute ones were designed by our extremely talented nanny, Cassidy. The boys loved them all.

Will learned to play and love UNO during our time at Kennedy.

Bike gear.

More bike gear.

Porter was still heavily in his naked, pants-free, shirtless phase in October. He wears more clothes more of the time now.

Ruining some cupcakes for the rest of us.

We can't believe our little Will is 5.

The power ended up going out during the end of that party and did not come back on again until Halloween evening, just in time for trick or treating. Will feels that the power outage contributed to the adults-only vibe of his family party (lack of Segura cousins, unlike Andrew's at Chucky Cheese), and I am not disposed to correct his misperception. But next year I have a feeling we will be able to put on the kind of party he has in mind.

Thoughts on Will's Last Day There /First Day Home

Everything always seems to happen with Will in October. In October of 2010, he had g tube surgery, and at the end of the month did a week at a feeding program at UVA. This October he started his 8 week treatment at Kennedy Krieger. We completed those 8 weeks today.

It was such a milestone in our lives, to finally undergo this program. And it was such a strange time, too. For the first time as a mom, I was away from two of my kids basically all day long. Some days I only saw Porter for 30 minutes. We had a live-in nanny, which made it all possible. It was a program that I had not wanted to resort to, and which I was dreading beginning. But in the end, as strange as it was to be gone all day with just one child, the strangest part was that we got completely used to it, and there are many things about it I know I will miss. It was really nice to spend so much time with just Will. I doubt I will ever get that sort of one on one with any of my kids again. I treasured that.

He is going home with heavier protocols then they anticipated at the beginning of his admission. We are not able to put a full plate of food in front of him, as they thought. But we will get there, and as we do, we have protocols that get him to eat enough each day that he is no longer reliant on his g-tube. He wouldn't have it removed for at least 6 months, since it requires a surgery to re-install if that became necessary, but a dormant tube has been the prayer of my heart for years now.

It was strange to go home today after so many weeks of such an intense program. It is sort of like stepping off an airplane into a new place, and it is all the stranger to me that I will probably be over it again in the next two days. Adjusted again already, like it was just a dream.

I want to record a bit about Will as he is right now. He has always been a really very sweet boy. Always quieter, more subdued and milder than his older brother or other boys. But he seems to have outgrown that lately, and those traits all but disappeared during his admission. It was kind of irritating, actually. I felt sad the other day when I saw another boy his age get a huge smile and run to his feeder when she appeared at the playroom to take him to his meal. Why was Will suddenly acting so old and too cool? He would have been sweet like that last year, 6 months ago. Apparently it is also common for kids in these programs to begin acting out in other ways as their control in the meals disappears. He began to seek out attention by acting out a bit. He would throw pieces of food at me during feeding times, call me "sucka!" or wiggle around excessively in his seat. I most hated his heavy usage of "Duh!" and the eye rolling. These behaviors persisted outside the program, too, and he found ways to shame us during Primary or with extended family. Because he was doing these things for attention, I am supposed to ignore them so as not to reinforce, but it drove me crazy. Will's "feeders" (behavioral psychologists) were really amazing, and a huge support to me in handling both is eating and his annoying behaviors. I will always love them and owe much to them.

I am treasuring signs of his old, softer side. He was so thrilled when the team presented him with his new backpack. He even loved that it features a little monkey chewing food, opening his mouth to show that he's swallowed, and then getting praise, just like his protocols. I was thrilled that the teenager possessing him has not totally swallowed up his guilelessness. He got a t-shirt, too, which he declared he couldnt wait to wear every day. Just like a little boy I know he is. He participated in a swallowing study today, for which we received a $20 gift card. He told Andrew about it and said sweetly that "at least [he] got some bucks!"

He fell asleep on the drive home (we left after lunch) and my speeding plus lack of traffic meant that we were in time to pick up Andrew from school. Will insisted that he had not been sleeping, but admitted that he "could barely keep [his} eyes open." Then he remarked, while crossing the school parking lot, that he could barely recognize the school, it had been so long since he'd last been. He held my hand. Andrew doesn't really do that anymore. Andrew was happy to see us. The boys played on the playground together before we left, wrestling and playing soccer. It was really the first time Will had been outside during the day in months. He looked so happy. When we got home, the boys played soldier in the basement. They didn't argue once. It was wonderful, really. I feel so much hope and joy right now.

it never has felt so right to have been so wrong

I have resisted enrolling Will in the Johns Hopkins feeding program since he was 2. Back then, he was accepted for residential treatment only, meaning that he and I would live in the hospital there for 8 weeks. That Porter was due right at the date of his admission gave me a respectable out (no siblings allowed to accompany). But I didn't want to do it, anyway.

We have tried a few other programs, and they all proved to be unworthy of the time and money they cost. We saw no change in Will's eating no matter what we did and how much we spent. It just wasn't worth jumping through meaningless hoops just to prove to doctors that we were following their instructions.

This summer, though, I sort of hit a wall. We could not go on like this and we really had no options left. I knew that Hopkins would be by far the most expensive and the most inconvenient. Most of all, I did not have much faith that they would be able to achieve any more success with Will than any other program. Maybe the Holy Spirit sometimes feels like intense anger and aggression, because despite all of those misgivings I plowed ahead with getting him on the waiting list because I didn't know what else to do with my overflowing outrage at our life situation. Making the necessary appointments was sort of like boxing a punching bag. My expectations were very low; with this final, devastating and time/money/strength draining failure of a program my righteous anger at the universe could be complete. I think cutting myself might have been in my future.

But I could not have been more wrong. About every aspect of this undertaking.

Maybe I should be careful not to speak too soon. We are finishing up week three of the 8 week program, but so far, so miraculous. The staff does not think Will is going to need the full 8 weeks. His success at meals in the hospital is largely mirrored at home on weekends, too, even without the special feeders and their protocols. The entire staff feels that Will is going to eat just like any other kid his age by the time the program has run its course. He is really proud of himself, and I am so proud of him.

I hate to find solace in my own baggage by comparing it to the burdens of others, but nothing has humbled me more than seeing the other families here at Hopkins. They all manage other intense issues aside from eating--issues that will be lifelong challenges. I have struggled so much under the relatively small weight of an otherwise perfectly healthy kid who just wouldn't eat. The other parents with so much more to shoulder are so full of love and patience. They love their kids so much, and though those kids will always be challenging to care for, their parents are just grateful that their kids have been able to survive so that they can. It has been moving and inspiring and a little shaming to see. I am 14 weeks pregnant and I have been so worried about whether we will beat the odds with our CF genes. Being here has made me see that so many people do not beat the odds in life, and there are harder illnesses to manage than CF.

The drive to and from Baltimore is long, but now that I am completely comfortable navigating my way, I have been able to shave 15 or so minutes off the trip. Plus traveling with just Will is quite pleasant. I did drift off for a second on the freeway one evening, which was terrifying, but I have taken it as my warning to insist on napping each day in the playroom. Luckily I have no shame, so I can fully fall asleep on a small mat I put in the corner of the busy playroom each afternoon. There is not much judgment in that place, so its fine.

It has been a pleasure, too, to spend so much time one on one with Will. He is so sweet. And hilarious. All the staff loves him: he is charming inside and out. Because he does not suffer from any other problems aside from eating, they all want to pull him into their various therapies to be a leader and model. The most wonderful thing, though, is that he doesn't notice that the other kids are different. He is their friend and playmate and it is all cool with him. I love that.

I thought that these 8 weeks would be extremely stressful and exhausting. The opposite is true. Once I just bit the bullet and hired a live in nanny (we have the most wonderful college student helping us. A faithful LDS girl, oldest of 6 kids, from Arizona, who keeps her scriptures right by her bed, whose voice is incapable of formulating any sound at high decible, who is so gorgeous the boys are basically in love with her), all the stress disappeared.

A lot of things fell into place all at once. Aside from the nanny, which was a random find (I had not even thought of getting a live in), Porter was accepted as a peer model into a county preschool. He is one of five kids (two teachers) and he comes home each day (Tues, Wed, Thurs) so happy. This is the third preschool program I have seen first hand, and I have to say that it is also the best. And since it is county run, it is free. He takes a backpack and eats lunch there. He insists he is a big boy. It took all the guilt out of me for leaving him all day, since now his day is broken into school, nap, dinner, then I return. Plus our nanny takes wonderful care of him.

Andrew has had a bit more of an adjustment and sometimes prays that I will return home early the next day so that "Cassidy won't be [his] mom," but he seems to have settled into the routine of it, as well.

Taking care of one super compliant 4 year old, whom other people feed, is so much easier than taking care of 3 kids and having to feed them all myself, all by myself. The weeks I dreaded so much are flying by, the way precious, beloved time does. I am not in the biggest hurry to reach the end of our stay.

I may be driving for several hours each day, but I'm driving to about as good a vacation as I can hope for these days. It is even better than my previous vacation fantasy, which consisted of a non life-threatening condition requiring a hospital stay.

"War is Hell:" A Boys' Birthday Party

Andrew's family party at home on his birthday with his requested "pumpkin shaped cake"

Andrew was a bit spoiled this year on his birthday. He has been having a hard time with our current arrangement of me and Will departing for Baltimore every morning and not returning until bedtime each night. His birthday fell on a Thursday, and I felt bad having him just eat dinner with our (wonderful and heaven-sent) babysitter and not having cake until 7:30 when we all returned. I called my parents, who intervened and took him to Chucky Cheese. My sisters and all their kids joined them. Will was desperate to be in on it, too, so in defiance of all good sense, we drove all the way out there after "feeding camp," not arriving until close to 7. I ended up regretting this decision. Suffice it to say that the only way I could ensure the physical safety of the boys from each other (and possibly from me) on the drive home was to get out my laptop and let them watch a movie as we drove. When we got home, we had cake and opened presents. It was a loooooong night. He received legos and weapons.

Fast forward to the friends' party on Saturday. I am so glad that we held this years' joint Andrew-Will birthday party at a locale outside my house, since Brigham ended up going out of town this weekend.

This year we held it at a laser tag place. I chose the one way out in Sterling because it was closer to most of the kids from Andrew's school, but in the end only two of them came. Darn Chinese school on Saturday (and skating lessons?). Fortunately there is no Hindi school, so Andrew's best friend from Kindergarten was able to make it. They were so happy to see each other. The kid he is hugging is not that kid, though. And that little boy ended up crying in pain in the corner for a few minutes after this exchange. Poor thing.

The whole thing was sort of a rush because another party was using the room right after us, but kids don't notice anything and I didn't care so long as I wasn't called upon to be cleaning it up and moving it along. You can see the worker in the background getting things done. We had the arena all to ourselves and the kids ranged around like little gangs, failing to make a lot of hits, but more importantly, failing to recognize that.

Andrew and Will decorated the blank Costco sheet cake I'm so glad I bought with their toy soldiers, tanks and helicopter (that I boiled). They wanted me to inscribe the Happy Birthday in red frosting (we didnt have blue) and since I am an idiot I did. I knew it might look kind of like bloodshed, but I was not taking into account how awful and shaky my frosting writing is. It looked like a poster for a movie about the carnage of war.

We had a theme going and didn't even mean to.

The kids all seemed to have a wonderful time, the other parents who stayed were so gracious and helpful (taking photos for me, watching kids, and carrying things out to my car afterwards. It was so nice to not feel stressed like I usually do about these things. It was what it was and it wasn't hitch-free but it was perfect. It seems like everything I do these days "takes a village." Oh well, I'm over pride and martyrdom and self-reliance. Some other season of life!

I only put four candles on Will's side of the cake and six on Andrew's. They were laughing about it and it took me a moment to figure out what was so funny with turning four and six. Its strange to have a seven year old, and that little Will is FIVE (that seems impossible), but I guess I am too tired right now to wear myself out further with my typical melancholy and sentimentality. It was a good, fun party and I'm glad its over.