Tuesday, September 13, 2011

thoughts i keep coming back to


I keep a private blog of our family life, and was looking through it the other day when I found this post from early 2008. That was when I was in the throes of sleep training and heated sibling rivalry (one-sided, as Andrew had a hard time accepting his first little brother). I feel I have developed as a mother in many ways (though we never made much headway on the sleep issue; now it seems funny to me that i even seriously tried), mainly in that I am less anxious about some of the behaviors because I realize so much is just a stage rather than a personality disorder, but some of the thoughts still resonate with me so much. And some are even sadder now because the chapter has closed a bit on that phase of my parenting with Andrew, to whom these paragraphs were addressed. (Andrew, 11 mo on Middle East trip)

You have been repeating many of the things that i say. One thing I hear echoed back at me is: "Its too late. Too late!" I do say that to you when I give you a chance to comply and you don't until after I have already let that fateful "three!" fall from my lips. But I am also realizing that it applies to a lot more than just whether you get your LIghtnings back.

Soon it will be too late to have these days of a 2 1/2 year old boy who adores me and a tiny little baby back again. Too late to cuddle iwth you on the couch. Too late to have you want to sit in my lap and listen to stories. Too late to teach you gentleness through gentleness. Too late to show you that you are loved, that you are capable. Too late to enjoy our days together.

I realize that all is not lost and that I can (and do, I hope) show you that you are loved and are capable and that we are a happy family. But I also realize that these things will not automatically happen, that I can possibly waste teh days of my probation as a mom, that I can miss out on the chance to bond with you, to help you grow into a happy and productive adult, someone with confidence. It happens all the time, doesn't it? And no one intends for that to happen. We all go into this parenting thing so well-meaning.

You know, I really don't know what I am doing here, in this parenting thing. It is all a big experiment, every day, every struggle. I am guessing at what the correct method of handling a prescribed situation is, and I think you don't realize how lost I sometimes feel, how lucky and grateful I feel when something I have dreamed up seems to work.


It is still an experiment, and now that I have entered the Elementary School Phase of parenthood, I have a whole new curve to navigate. Back to School Night tonight was interesting for many reasons, one of them being the opportunity to see the different types of parents. I don't think I am much of a Tiger Mom, unless becoming grouchy counts. I just want my kids to be interested in the world, and confident in their ability to seek out and pursue the things they love. I am so glad to have the Gospel in our lives to help me in my efforts.

Despite all my mistakes and fumblings, we have had such a happy little time together. Remember?

8 comments:

Jenny said...

Love this. Almost made me cry because I know those feelings too. Beautiful photo of you and Andrew and baby Will.

Momo Cannon said...

Thank you for writing again! I love it.

Nana said...

So poignant! Thanks for sharing such tender thoughts. The boys are darling.

Tara, Doug, Isaac, and Lucy said...

I agree with everyone. And I can really see Andrew reading this when he's older. I should write more love notes to my kids.

The Cannons said...

I love reading your blog. It's so witty and always makes me laugh. I also loves seeing Andrew in a uniform with his hair parted. Such a dapper little fellow.

Sarah said...

I love your writing, Alexandra. I'm sad that most of it is reserved for your private family blog, but I can understand. I hope this first year of school is a good one for all of you! We're excited to see you in a month!

Jacqueline Auna and family said...

Everyone said everything I wanted to say! I loved this post, love how you can express things so eloquently that I want to cry. I really love the picture of your beautiful family at the end! I also loved that part from Abileen in The Help. miss you so much! : )

Erin said...

Oh my, I can't keep back the tears. I've been on an emotional roller coster since Moriah started kindergarten. I can relate to many of your thoughts and feelings Alexandra! Thanks for sharing :)