Wednesday, January 25, 2012

does this mean i am throwing in the towel?

photo credit to the baby. there are five more for the following 5 seconds of that experience; i could basically post an almost-video of me sitting on the floor. he is like a sports photographer. also, i wear those slippers out of the house. they have a semi-solid sole.

In the same vein as the previous post, it occurred to me today when I wore what basically amounted to pajamas to the library and saw a really pretty and stylish acquaintance of mine and felt no shame, that I don't know who I am anymore. That is a big change from a few years ago, and I realized suddenly that I have changed a bit, without noticing, over the last few years. I am not saying that all of these changes (or any!) are positive. I just don't have room in my life right now for my old ways. I am sure that will change again. Do not feel judged if you are a classy person who looks nice most of the time, or do any of the other things I used to do (or wish I could do) but mysteriously no longer think to do. I was once you, or aspired to be. I still think you look great, I am just no longer inspired to try, too. nothing to do with the topic, but fun to note that porter shares andrew's love of riding in the backpack while brigham operates loud, heavy equipment. it was the only way he stopped trying to wrestle the blower from our hands.

1) I don't take much time to groom for the daily grind anymore
I used to put on makeup every. single. morning. I did not leave the house. I know I was doing this two years ago when Andrew started preschool bc I remember being late bc I could not drop him off and see everyone looking the way I look wtihout my bare minerals! If I am going out for some sort get-together with other women or with Brigham, I will (maybe!) put makeup on in the car on the way. But just for my life at the park, store etc. No. That is the first thing I scratch off the list. If I had a list. Now I am just glad to know where the car keys are (in the car, of course! best place for 'em).

2. I don't wear jeans.
This is a subpart of 1) but it is a more recent development. Over the break when we all got sick I wore sweatpants all week, and then I just couldnt go back. I have never worn tight or uncomfortable jeans, but still denim is not as cozy as sweats. I bought some yoga pants that are passably attractive and that is that. I look like I am always on the way to the gym even though I never am.
he's happy because he has the camera again. he knows he is taking photos. he has bangs over his face for another reason.

3. I don't care about being social
This is tricky to word because I don't mean to imply that I don't care about being friends with people. I guess I just noticed that earlier in my parenting years (like two years ago for sure), making friends with other moms was really really important to me. I was always interested in having another family come over to have dinner or spend time, and I needed weekly playgroups and other forms of mom-socialization to sustain me. I still enjoy those things, but I just don't really think about them anymore or make plans for them. I hope that doesn't mess with the kids' social lives!
we are pants-optional around here.

4. I am not self-conscious about my parenting. I know I am not perfect, and suddenly I am ok with other people knowing it, too. I do my best and I don't find myself cringing when my kids are being awful in public, or even wondering what the other parents think of me. I think I just assume all kids are awful sometimes, and all parents, too. It used to matter to me if my son could deliver his scripture from memory without being ridiculous into the microphone. Now I feel a little ashamed that I took that too seriously. What's a 4 year old boy to do when the opportunity to make wonderful, shocking noises into this coveted instrument suddenly becomes a tactile reality? I used to feel nervous to get together with old friends with my kids in case my children embarrassed me. Now that isn't even a thought. Maybe I just am beyond shame or something.

Maybe that is exactly what it is for all four of these.


Ie Li said...

I think you're perfect. I wouldn't want you to be any different. I love all the pictures. Every single member of your family is good-looking, even without makeup.

Monica Rich said...

I'm right there with you on just about all of these. I just bought PJs that weren't obviously PJs (they could pass as yoga pants) so I can wear them down to the bus stop without being entirely embarrassed. I still do love jeans, though.

You've never needed makeup.

BTW -- love the area rug in your living room.

Hope to see you again in the next ten years. :)

terrah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
terrah said...

I've come to some of the same conclusions. It's refreshing to evaluate the things that are most important to me as an individual and cut out what's not. (I bought a velour sweatsuit a couple of months ago that works great as a casual comfy even grocery store outfit). I'll have to add these thoughts to my list of parenting wisdom I've learned from you over the years-- like the time-out hold hug and finishing dinner in the bathtub :).

brooke said...

I relate to sooo much of this. Amen to giving up denim except for special occasions!! I have enjoyed catching up on your blog...I have been a bit self absorbed the last few months....ha. I am so happy that Will is making such great progress with his eating...that is life changing.

And I think you look skinny and hot in sweats so there.

alexandra said...

Ie Li, Brigham wondered if your comment that he is good looking was awkward for Steve. :)

Monica, the rug is an indoor-outdoor rug I found online. Great for high traffic. You couldn't know I have never needed it--I have always worn it!

Terrah, you are so sweet. I love that we are blogging and goodreads friends.

Brooke, you were probably the originator of my decision to abandon denim in daily life. The flu just got me going. You are sweet to keep up with my family blog and I hope you don't ever feel that I expect that at all. I am just glad you are blogging and providing hilarious reading for the world!

Birrd said...

You're not throwing in the towel, you've just joined a very wonderful club. Welcome!

Tara, Doug, Isaac, and Lucy said...

ditto about your great-looking family. I went through a don't wear jeans phase, and I'm glad to be back, only because jeans are warmer than my pajamas. And it's really cold in Idaho.

Eliza said...

I identify with a lot of these. I haven't gotten to the point of not wearing makeup, because I feel gross without mascara. (even if I don't apply it until Matt is about to get home. How '50s of me.) But Theo's bus driver has gotten used to the sight of me in my red plaid grandpa pajamas that I've had since I was 15. I should probably update to something cuter.

Also, about being social. I think that has something to do with having kids who don't talk much. Because I was more interested in being social before my kids learned to talk. I do love to have friends and to connect with other moms and other women. But I don't feel a driving need during the day, because I have conversations with my kids all day. Sometimes the conversations are even about interesting things. Teaching my kids new things and having lengthy conversations with them about what 3- and 5-year-olds are interested in, is stimulating in a different way.

I am generally not self-conscious about my parenting, although when it comes to one of my kids hitting each other or another kid I do get embarrassed and feel bad for the kid. But I feel like I try to do the right things. I think I feel most self-conscious when I am around older parents who have already put kids through high school and college, and who maybe don't remember those younger days. I assume that parents with young kids know what I am going through and aren't judging me. Maybe a wrong assumption.

I love Porter in the backpack.

great post.

Eliza said...

Also--I can't believe how awesome you were about "lessons" at home and crafts and going to the park. I love it. That is amazing. No wonder you feel you are throwing in the towel, when in reality you are just joining the mere mortals. :)

Kimmie said...

welcome to "real" motherhood!

if it helps, i wear my full on PJ's on Sunday afternoon walks around the neighborhood. clearly i have no shame!

i could read your stuff all day...keep posting my friend!

Erin said...

You are killing me! I laughed and nodded during this entire post Alexandra! And when I think of your yoga bottoms comment on pinterest I still laugh, out loud mind you!
All I have to say is that I understand you completely, even down to the whole social thing. Is it a third child thing? I don't know?

And I know you weren't looking for compliments but you rock the no make-up, yoga pant look!!